I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
