DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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