what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
