Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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