I just threw up on my dentist
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You have to summon your inner elephant
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
