Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
