Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
