watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
farters have to be the big spoon...
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
