Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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