i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
