i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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