I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
