so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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