Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
