You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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