I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
is that a dick in a sweater?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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