once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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