The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
