I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
