Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
