Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
