Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
