Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
