I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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