in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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