my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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