I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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