I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
