I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
