Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
