Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
