I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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