i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
