He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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