Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
