I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
