so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
