I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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