There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
