Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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