why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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