so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
