I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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