careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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