i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
