God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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