Are we in a gay sports bar?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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