if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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