so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
