nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
