so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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