we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
